To Spank or Not to Spank, Part II

I was hesitant to write this column, but my wife challenged me, so here we are. I have an admission - I spanked my son for the first time this past week. Now I know what is going to happen, I am going to be inundated by throng of “I told you so” letters accusing me of being a hypocrite. As my readers may recall (all 6 or 7 of you), about 2 months ago I wrote a column that seemed to suggest that I believed spanking was wrong. Let me clarify my original point, I was not and am not opposed to spanking, I simply believe that every parent should determine what type of discipline is most effective for their own child and if lesser means are available and effective, than that is the path that should be chosen.

This week, my son chose not to travel the path of lesser means. He ended up getting himself a good ol’fashioned spanking – at church nonetheless (to paraphrase Proverbs, “spare the rod, spoil the child,” right?) My son is the light of my life, but this Sunday morning at church he must have experienced an eclipse. He was rude, defiant, and aggressive and the firm look, raised voice, and time out (my wife later suggested a time out in a crowded church lobby was probably not the best location – thanks honey) had no effect on my son’s strong will. I was left with nothing but the legendary trip to the bathroom. You all remember this trip from your childhood. The trip your parents had given you 10 warnings about and you dreaded the entire walk there, pleading with apologies and promises to not do whatever deed started this chain of events. My son had his first taste of this trip.

Once in the bathroom, my mind rushed to the research I had done and the number of articles, for and against spanking, that I had read. A couple points made a strong impression on me and guided me through this difficult process (the first time you spank your child is always the most traumatic – for both you and the child); 1. Never spank out of anger. I had to take a couple deep breathes and remind myself that I was doing this as a form of discipline – to help my son become a better child who understands limits, appropriate behavior, and consequences, 2. The goal is not to physically hurt your child, but to get their attention, or put an exclamation point on the lesson being taught. This one was easy; it was so hard for me that he probably barely felt the one whack I was able to muster. However, the emotional impact was clear – his feelings were hurt and he understood what had just happened, 3. Follow up with a clear explanation and an “I love you” so that the child understands you are not mad and your feelings for them have not changed.

When I was a child, I never believed the old saying, “this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you,” but in this case it was true. A few minutes later, my son was well-behaved and looking forward to lunch, his Daddy was still upset. While this form of discipline certainly did work this time, it will always serve as my last option.


Matt Ryerson is the Vice President of Community Investment Strategies at the United Way of Bradley County. Matt’s column appears in the Cleveland Daily Banner every Wednesday. If you have questions or comments, please contact Matt at mryerson@unitedwaybc.com.

To Spank or Not to Spank, Is that the Question?

My mom was a fan of using the wooden spoon (she especially preferred the spaghetti stirrer with the hole in the end of it – she must have believed it gained velocity that way), my dad preferred the belt (it was always handy to him no matter where we were). My grandma was a “softie” and would only use a flimsy fly swatter, but my grandpa was the king of the spanking. He would have me pick a switch from the big weeping willow tree alongside the house. If I happened to pick the wrong switch, he’d send me to pick another, only this time the end result would be worse.

Let me qualify this first paragraph. My family was not abusive. This was simply the way a parent disciplined their children in that time. My principal in elementary school used a paddle and I knew many friends that received their punishment with an assortment of tools ranging from the rolled up newspaper (you thought it was only for puppies) to the traditional open hand. However, I only received a spanking when I earned it. Apparently I was a slow learner, because I earned it a lot.

I have shared my stories at speaking engagements and I have heard many of you respond with your own stories. However, as time has passed, spanking has become a controversial topic. To spank or not to spank, is that the question? Many groups advocate that spanking is abuse, while others believe it is the only way our children learn. The truth is, I don’t know. As you have already heard, I was spanked nearly on a daily basis, but I also believe many times my behavior warranted it. However, my wife and I chose not to spank and have found that other means of discipline have been effective for us. It is certainly a personal and a family decision. This morning we asked my 3 year old his feelings on the topic and he said, “Spanking is mean!” I suppose if I was potentially on the receiving end, I would argue that point as well.

I am guessing many of you experienced discipline the way I did, through good ol’fashioned spankings. While some of us support spanking as a “right” for parents to discipline their child, the real question should be, does it work? Would it surprise you that a recent study at the University of Michigan of over 100 years of research shows that in the short term, spanking can correct bad behavior, but in the long term, it can make kids more defiant and aggressive? It’s true. Imagine the confusing message that is being delivered, “Don’t hit your sister and as a punishment, I am going to hit you!”

Many pediatricians advise against spanking children as a method of discipline. But whatever method of discipline we may choose, there are a few simple suggestions to make it more effective; Keep the rules simple. After you set the rules, be consistent and enforce them. Be a good role model because children learn by your example. Show that you can deal with frustration and anger without resorting to violence. Use time-outs so a child can learn the consequences of misbehavior. Emphasize rewards for good behavior instead of always punishing a child for bad behavior. Punish in private to avoid embarrassing the child, be firm and don’t punish in anger. Provide a positive, supportive and loving relationship. Use positive reinforcement. When punishment is necessary, use time-outs and other alternatives to spanking or physical punishment.

For more information about disciplining your child, contact us at 472-9876 or email at mryerson@unitedwaybc.com.